How I Realised That I’m A Prostitute

Ụtọnwa was a popular prostitute servicing my Okpuno side of Nnewi. She was originally from Akabọezem in Ụrshụagụ Nnewi but had taken up residence in Felinco Hotel in Ọkpụnọ Ụmụenem, adjacent to the very location of Elders Relaxation Court on Igwe Orizu Road Otolo Nnewi.

Only her Chi (or her creator) could explain why Ụtọnwa took to the much pilloried profession of prostitution.

Ụtọnwa is very beautiful by a typical Igbo man’s standards. Her piercing eyes, oval face, protruding and well packaged boobs and well rounded backside would make a holy man feel tempted.

Ụtọnwa took her time to hone her skills in that men didn’t mind to wait on a queue as she was in with an earlier customer. And to each of her numerous customers, she never allowed any to leave her theatre of happiness without being thoroughly sapped and satisfied.

Ụtọnwa told me that she never used any cugnomi or juju on any customer but relied on her ability to pamper them and to cajole their erogenous points into resonance resulting in loud cries of happy ending. Many customers, especially the underserviced or single young men opted to pay more.

Out of curiosity, I engaged Ụtọnwa to find out why she took to prostitution given her good looks, generous spirit and high level of customer service.

And I was shocked by what she told me.

“Anayo, what do understand by the word ‘prostitution'”, Ụtọnwa started.

“It is when you have sex with men in exchange for money or favours and on continued basis”, I answered.

“My friend, I received money for sex and I ensured that my customers left my room feeling happy that they received value for their money. In my 36 years of active service, I never collected money from any man who said he was not satisfied with my service.

“But I had one policy, I never did home service. The customer must come to my own service centre. I treasured the location of my head on my neck. Hope you know what I mean. I had respected any customers’ wives or lovers enough by not encroaching into their territories. But if any of them decided to tempt fate by coming to fight me in my hotel room, ‘e bie m isi akwụo m ụdọ’ or ‘fight to finish’.

“In my glorious days, I would allow my cash crunched regular customers do and go and pay me later or whenever they have money without reduction in the intensity of happiness I lead them to. And it paid off as many of my customers gifted me money and clothes. Even upon retirement, many of them still send me money.

“Anayo, I’m shocked that you have not seen yourself as a prostitute. You have been moving from one bank to another selling your skills or labour for money and you have the audacity to come and preach to me.

“What is the difference between me and bankers, politicians and all those that move from one church to the other in search of miracles or spiritual benefits?

“Why would the world condemn a woman who decides to use her bodily skills to make money just like footballers and other sports people?

“Who has an adult unmarried woman wronged by selling her services to willing buyers and to earn her profit from enhanced sales from excellent customer service?” Ụtọnwa ended feeling justifed and relieved that she lucidly made her point as if I was her God that would judge her.

At the beginning of our discussion, I had Mary Magdalene in mind.

I believed it was time for her to “repent” but the woman rather left me thinking.

It was one of those Christian outreach undertaken gone awry.

How I wish I had the power of exorcism.

I left the 58 year-old Ụtọnwa asking myself, “am I actually a professional prostitute when I am now in my seven rounds of banks?”